the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
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TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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