everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
