You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
