there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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