Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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