she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
