Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
