oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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