I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring me the toilet please
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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