I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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