My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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