How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
