I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
