Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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