I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
