You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
