I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
