She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
