Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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