if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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