Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
