You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
