i think i scared a bird with my dick
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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