thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
