I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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