you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
