did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
