don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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