god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
