i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
