It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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