I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
