i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
