I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
