my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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