Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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