You're so nebulous sometimes
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
