Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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