I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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