woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
