My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
