My Higher Power is John Stamos
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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