I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
