FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
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An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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