What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Can I color on your dick again?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
