I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
