I accidentally had phone sex last night
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
