the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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