Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
