I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
