I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
