my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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