look no pants
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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