Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
