I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
