I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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