The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
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Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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