This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
