Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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