Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
When are your genitals available?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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